This Changes Everything and Nothing
by LilMissJenny
Summary: Will can barely comprehend what had just happened, and now faced the reality of returning home to tell his wife what he'd just done. An angsty-AU that hurt me to write but it wouldn't leave my head, will be Willicia-fluff after all the horrific talks! Includes a new set of Willicia babies though! M for content and language


Will took off his shoes before he opened his front door and tip-toed into the house as quietly as the still-half drunk lawyer could. He locked the door once he was inside and leaned back against it, he knew going on that bachelor party was a bad idea, going to a judges' party with other judges, lawyers and the State's attorney Peter Florrick could only end in a strip club and now his wife was going to kill him. He had to tell her, he knew that much, but he didn't know how to tell the woman he'd loved for 18 years, been with (and faithful to) for 17 years and mother of his three kids that he'd gotten so drunk that when a blonde stripper had sat down in his lap and started undoing his belt he'd done nothing to stop her and the next thing he knew he was finishing inside a stranger and hating himself.

Will walked up the stairs and straight into the bathroom, unable to face even checking on his kids without a shower. As he turned the water on and stepped out of his clothes he thought back on what he could remember of the night, which wasn't much. Matt had decided he deserved one last lap dance before he got married next weekend, and half an hour had turned into three hours and Will had been more whiskey than blood by the time the girl had approached him, he'd ignored her at first but as he came out of the bathroom she'd pulled him behind a curtain to a private booth and he didn't have the awareness to stop what she did next, by the time he'd caught up with his body, it was over and all he wanted to do was cry. The guys had had two reactions, some of them, the single or unhappily married ones had wolf-whistled but the others had just looked shocked. Matt, whose fiancée was his and Alicia's old Law School friend Cassidy and Alicia's best friend, walked over to him and asked him what the Hell he was thinking, then suggested that they all get in the limo and head home. The two of them were the last ones in the car and Matt suggested he shower and then spend the rest of his night planning how he was going to say sorry enough for it to matter.

He stepped out of the shower and dried off, wrapped the towel around his waist and walked down to hall to his eldest's room, opening the door and looking through all of the pink quilts to find his Cat's head to press a kiss to his princess' hair. He tip-toed out of the room of his sixteen-year old and down the hall towards the younger kids rooms. Lucy, 11 and Michael, 5, had rooms at the front of the house. As Will pushed Lucy's door open he saw her still awake and sitting in bed reading.

"What you still doing up munchkin?" Will tried to sound sober, though he knew his little girl could tell he wasn't himself.

"Heard you come home daddy, I read while you took a shower," she smiled a him, with a strange look on her face.

"OK, well go back to sleep honey," he kissed her forehead and then left his daughter's room. He walked the ten feet to his son's room and kissed the little boy's head, suddenly remembering the look on Alicia's face as they found out their third baby was a boy, they'd agreed that three was enough, and Alicia had been so pleased to give him a boy the last time around. The thickening sense of shame he felt was only exaggerated as he looked at his sleeping baby, who had his mother's features, and realised he'd soon have to wake his sleeping wife and tell her what he'd done.

As he crept into his bedroom, he saw the moonlight from the balcony's French doors hit Alicia's hair and his chest tightened. Fuck. His glance landed on the clock on her side of the bed and saw 4:42 in bright red figures. He quickly pulled on a shirt and boxers and sat on the edge of his side of their bed. The dip in the mattress stirred his wife and she groaned a little and then wriggled onto her back in that way he'd always found adorable. She turned her head and smiled at him tiredly, "hey drunky! How was the bachelor party?"

"Wish I hadn't gone Leesh," he said sombrely, which was enough to make her sit up in front of him and cross her legs to wait for him to explain that comment. She rubbed her eyes sleepily and he bowed his head, unable or unwilling to look her in the eyes until he got up the courage to spit it out. He raised his eyes to her worried ones and shattered her heart in one sentence. "Baby I had sex with a stripper."

Alicia stumbled over her words for a second and then started to cry. Will's heart broke as he watched the love of his life start to sob, he reached out to touch her shoulder and she flinched away from him, which brought a tear to his eyes...his wife never pushed him away like that. "You better start explaining right now Will!"

He swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat and started to try and explain what he remembered. "I barely remember it Leesh, I had so much to drink, and I'd been ignoring her all the time we were in that stupid place, but I remember going to the bathroom and when I came back out she dragged me behind one of those curtain things," he paused and looked at Alicia's face, watched her cringe and continue crying quietly, "then my brain didn't catch up to my body until it was too late and it was over and I just felt horrible Alicia, please believe that I never wanted it!" Will watched her shake her head at that and he grabbed her chin in his hand and lifted her eyes to his, "I didn't want her Leesh! Not at the time and not before and not now, _you're it baby_ and I hate that I did this, I don't know what happened!"

"Will, I, I just can't get my head around it, 17 years and then you do this?! Are you bored of me or..."

"DO NOT _ever_ say anything like that ever again Alicia, baby please, it had nothing to do with you or us at all, it was a stupid mistake and if I'd been less inebriated and realised what she was doing I would have stopped it, and I am so so so sorry that I didn't." Will ducked his head as he finished talking and inhaled her scent as her rested his nose in the hair at her temple. After he'd started explaining she'd let him touch her again, clung to his arm even, anchored herself to him as she listened to him talk. When she didn't say a word for a few more minutes he started to panic, " _Leesh_ please don't leave me, I'll do anything you need me too, just please don't go."

"I'm not, of all the things I'm thinking, leaving you didn't even make the list."

"What do you want to do now?" he asked with some trepidation.

"I want to go to sleep, we should take the day tomorrow to spend with the kids and when we get some time alone, we'll finish talking about the things we need to, to get past this. The kids will not know anything of this, and we go on like nothing has changed, yes?"

"Yeah, that's fine, but what has changed exactly Leesh, you're not giving much away, do you want me to go sleep upstairs in the study?"

"No, I can't sleep properly without you here, and some things have changed, we're going to have to work on the trust thing again, because if it can happen once then you can't guarantee me no repeats, but I don't want our marriage to change Will, I like it the way it is...or was anyway," his wife spoke softly and with a heaviness to her voice he hadn't heard since her dad had his first heart attack two years ago.

He lifted her eyes to his again before he spoke, "This will _never_ happen again baby, I swear. I won't let myself be that stupidly drunk ever again, and under no other circumstance would that happen. We'll do whatever you need to so you feel secure again okay? I'll do anything to make this better."

"You swore in your vows to me that it would never happen, and look at the last hour of our life! I'm saying I need to talk more, and I need time to feel like I felt two hours ago Will, I'm still here, and I still love you."

"I love you too, and I'm going to prove it to you." She smiled at him weakly then, and inclined her her towards the pillows. He laid down first, leaving the choice of how close they'd sleep up to her, waiting to see it she settled in the middle of the bed or at the far side. To his utter surprise, she snuggled into his side, her head on his shoulder and an arm across his middle. They laid like that for ten minutes before he finally started to relax and fall into sleep, when he heard her mumble something that he wasn't sure whether it was meant for his conscious ears.

"I hate that another woman's had her hands on you, been with you like that, you're mine, have been for 17 years and that's the way I like it will."

"I am all yours baby, forever now." Will felt her tears begin again in the dark as he drifted off.


End file.
